Blonde In First Class
There is a blonde on a plane to New York. She is sitting in the
first class section, but her ticket says that she should be in
the coach section. A flight attendant realizes the blonde's
mistake and asks her politely to move. The blonde won't move. All
she says is, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New
York."
The flight attendant goes and tells all of the other flight
attendants. They all try to persuade the blonde to move, but she
won't move. All she says is, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm
going to New York."
The flight attendants go and tell the pilot about the obnoxious
blonde. They tell him the only thing that she says. He puts the
plane on auto-pilot and whispers something in the blonde's ear.
Immediately, she gets up and moves to her normal seat. Then the
pilot goes back to fly the plane. The flight attendants are all
very curious about how the pilot made the blonde move so quickly.
They ask him and he says, "Oh, it was easy. All i had to do was
tell her that the first class section wasn't going to New York!"
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Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they
decided to meet for lunch. The talk naturally got around to
their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really
wasn't anyone special in her life.
Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she
had found. "He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when
we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've
been waiting to hear a man say to me!"
"He said 'will you marry me'?" Marcy asked.
Heather replied, "No, he said 'put your money away'."
*------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His
sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he
returned to the airport. After verifying his seat number with
the attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and said
that he'd have to wait another three hours in the airport.
"How come?" his nephew asked.
"My plane has been grounded," Brendan explained.
"Grounded?!" the little boy said. "I didn't know planes
had parents."
____________________________________________________________
As the driving examiner inspected her tires, Julie's foot
slipped off the brake, and she rolled the car over his foot.
As he stood there cursing, she put down her window and asked,
"Does this mean I won't get my license?"
*------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
At our local funeral home families are given the chance to
chose the music they would like to enter the service to.
One family asked to enter to Elvis Presley's hit, "Love me
Tender."
The day of the funeral arrived and the music was started
ready for the family to walk in to the service.
Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the
CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to,
"Return to Sender."
____________________________________________________________
Rich Old Geezer Wants A Grandkid!
A wealthy old man looked around the table at his two sons and
five daughters and their spouses gathered for a family reunion.
"Not a single grandchild," he said with a sigh. "Why, I'll give a
million dollars to the first kid who presents me with a little
one to bounce on my knee. Now, let's say grace."
When the old man lifted his eyes again, his wife was the only
other person at the table.
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All In The Family
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary
surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained
consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was
waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently
patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to
pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a
humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.'
They are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to
my brother-in-law."
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One night young Buffy brought her boyfriend home to meet her
parents, and they were appalled by his appearance; leather
jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed
their concern. "Buffy," said the mother diplomatically, "he
doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," replied the blonde daughter, "if he wasn't
nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
*------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
My boyfriend and I were lunching at a sidewalk cafe' in
Huntington Beach, CA. Our waitress looked like a real
surfer girl: athletic with a great tan and blonde hair.
Mulling over the menu, my guy asked her if the roast beef
was rare.
The waitress gave us a stare and replied, "Well, no. We
have it, like, just about every day."
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Warning: Beer Contains Female Hormones
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should
take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of
a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones
in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It
was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked
excessively without making sense, became overly emotional,
couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing,
and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
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On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company,
I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded
on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of the car he
was driving. I asked again for a more detailed description
beyond "a blue four-door."
Afer a pause, the driver replied, "It's the one on fire."
*------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention
hotel in Williamsburg, Va., Prided ourselves on making the
guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception,
credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address
him by name. Once during a particularly busy check-in, one
of our guests presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome
to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said.
"Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."
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Parents These Days...
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young
players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together
as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're
out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do
you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain that to
your mother."
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I graduated from a private school that I didn't like much.
Once I was out of there, I had no particular desire to ever
contribute to their latest fund drive or athletic events.
Sure enough, Alumni Affairs staff called my folks, got my
current number and tracked me down. 'So, what have you been
doing with yourself?' the perky alumnus asked.
I responded, "Oh, not a lot. Just stealing cars and running
moonshine." They've never called back.
*------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chick
Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked
up the menu and studied it with an appraising eye.
"We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said finally.
"Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That's the owner."
_____________________________________________________________
A Good Confession
Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me Father,
for I have sinned."
"What have you done Tommy O'Connor?"
"I had sex with a girl."
"Who was it, Tommy?"
"I cannot tell you Father, please forgive me for my sin."
"Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?" he asked.
"No Father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell you
who it was."
"Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?"
"No Father, please forgive me for my sin," he replied.
"Well then it has to be Sarah Martha O'Keefe."
"No Father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was."
"Okay, Tommy, go say five Hail Mary's and four Our Fathers and
you will be abolished of your sin."
So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was
waiting.
"What did ya get?" asked Joseph.
"Well I got five hail Marys, four Our Fathers, and three good
leads."
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My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any.
So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."
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SPEEDING BLONDE
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and walked up to the car. The police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."
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HELPFUL
Working for a Judge in a common pleas court, I saw many criminal defendants. One man facing drug charges proved unusually helpful.
To determine the exact quantity of the illegal substance allegedly sold, the judge asked the prosecutor how many grams there are in an ounce.
As both attorneys checked their notes, the defendant, who had not yet entered his plea, proudly announced, "There are 28.3 grams in an ounce, your honor."
His attorney advised him to plead guilty.
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As the examiner inspected her tires, July's foot slipped off the brake, and she rolled the car over the man's foot.
Immediately, she put down her window and asked, "Does this mean I won't get my driver's license?"
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DEFENSIVE DRIVING
One of my co-workers got a speeding ticket and was attending a defensive-driving course to have points erased from her license.
The instructor, a police officer, emphasized that being on time was crucial and that the classroom doors would be locked when each session began.
Just after one class started, someone knocked on the locked door. The officer opened it and asked, "Why are you late?"
The student replied, "I was trying not to get another ticket."
The officer let him in.
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PERFECT DAY FOR GOLFING
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.
One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.
The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect DOUBLE EAGLE! He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."
God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Blonde In The Library
A blonde walked up to the front desk of the library and said, "I
borrowed a book last week, but it was the most boring I've ever
read. There was no story whatsoever, and there were far too many
characters!"
The librarian replied, "Oh, you must be the person who took our
phone book."
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The fragrance department of a major New York City store where
I shop is always pushing the latest scents. Attractive models
move about the floor offering to spray customers with the
newest bouquet.
One day, outside the store's restaurant, a model sprayed two
women who had just finished their lunch. When one woman com-
mented that the perfume was too strong, the model replied,
"The fragrance will be softer once it dries and the alcohol
wears off."
"See!" her friend chided. "I told you not to have that second
drink."
*------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
While working as an airline customer-service agent, I got a
call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her
dog on board.
I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a $50
charge and provided her own kennel. I further explained
that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to
stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over.
"I'll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!"
the customer complained.
_____________________________________________________________
Creation Duel
In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the
Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face
of the deep. And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than
this."
And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God
said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed,
and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.
And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness,
and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the
fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and
over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so
God created Man in his own image; male and female did He create.
And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and
fit.
And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and
spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and
Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth
the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man: "You
want fries with that?" And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man
gained 5 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her
figure that man found so fair. And the Devil brought forth
chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10
pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and
olive oil with which to cook them."
And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed
its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol
went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose
those extra pounds.
And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man
would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in
fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the
starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil
created sour cream dip.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips
swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is
good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.
Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook
the nourishing whole grain brown rice.
And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body
with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink
twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And
Man gained another ten pounds.
And God created the life-giving tofu.
And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and
upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"
And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did.
And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land
of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.
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Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders.
"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "but I guess it is impossible."
"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."
"You must tell me what you did."
"I went to a faith healer."
"But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."
The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."
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The Top 5 Things Overheard at Polling Places Today
5> "Can't decide? Neither can Kerry. He's your boy!"
4> "It's very simple: If you really hate Bush, just indicate that by marking an 'X' beside his name."
3> "I'm sorry, Vice President Cheney, in order to vote you're going to have to disclose your home address."
2> "Eeney, meeney, miney, moe; Who's the guy who least will blow?"
The Number 1 Thing Overheard at Polling Places Today...
1> "Thirty bucks, same as in Florida."
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It was a typical fall Saturday and the wife happened upon her husband sprawled on the couch, beer in hand, staring at a college football game on the TV.
After taking in the scene a few moments, she said, "Ya know George, somehow I find it difficult to believe that you're the end product of millions of years of evolution."
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A new poll shows that 60% of Americans are "very upset" because they believe neither Bush nor Kerry will be the clear winner on election day.
The other 40% are even more upset because they believe either Bush or Kerry will be the clear winner on election day.
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Ole and Lena lived on a lake in Northern Minnesota. It was near the end of winter and spring was just beginning. Ole asked Lena if she would walk across the frozen lake to the general store to pick him up some tobacco. She asked for some money, but he told her to put it on their tab. So she walked across, got the tobacco and walked back.
Then she asked Ole why he didn't send her with any money. He said, "I vasn't goin' to send a dollar ven I vasn't sure how tick de ice vas."
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O'Brien kept nudging Cohen to let him play at his Jewish Country Club. Cohen told him that only Jews could play golf there. He drove him crazy for months and he finally gave in but warned him that if anyone asked, his name was Goldberg. If asked what his occupation was, he was a manufacturer. O'Brien asked what kind of a manufacturer should he be and he told him to say that he made tallises (talleism=prayer shawls).
Sure enough, they play 18 holes, go to the steam room and he's approached by one of the members. He said that he hadn't seen him at the club before and asked his name.
He replied,"My name is Goldberg."
"What do you do for a living, Mr. Goldberg?"
He replies, "I'm a manufacturer."
"What do you manufacture?"
"I make tallises."
"You know, I always wanted to know what the Hebrew letters around the neck of the tallis meant. Can you tell me?"
O'Brien replied, "To tell the truth... I only make the sleeves."
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A dog had followed his owner to school. His owner was a fourth grader at a public elementary school. However, when the bell rang, the dog sidled inside the building and made it all the way to the child's classroom before a teacher noticed and shoo'ed him outside, closing the door behind him. The dog sat down, whimpered and stared at the closed doors.
Then God appeared beside the dog, patted his head, and said, "Don't feel bad fella'... they won't let ME in either."
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THE PERFECT EXCUSE! or Why my book has not been returned to the library!
... cuz I left it in my truck and my truck was in an accident and got towed to the garage and I won't be able to get to the garage in Philadelphia until this weekend.
... my nephew took it camping and lost it.
... I didn't take it out!
... cuz my dog peed on it and it smells too bad.
... it flew out the car window on Interstate 95 and was devoured by an 18 wheeler!
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50 Dumb uses for condoms...
1) Bicycle handle grips.
2) French tickler animals.
3) Shower caps for people with tiny heads.
4) Put one on a lightbulb for mood lighting.
5) Fill one with helium and tie a note to it.
6) Get 1000 and make a submarine.
7) Put one over the showerhead to surprise Dad.
8) Put 'em on your cat's feet to keep it from climbing the curtains.
9) Blow a bunch up and tie them to the cars outside a wedding.
10) Put one on your nose and be Bobo the clown.
11) Water wings for those non-swimmers.
12) Use 500 of them to spell out "We Want Women!!" on your house.
13) Jello molds.
14) Finger puppets.
15) A wind sock.
16) Use as a bobber when fishing.
17) Put them on soda cans to keep the fizz in when you're not drinking it.
18) Practical joke: Put one on an exhaust pipe.
19) Suspenders.
20) Recycle as a Burger King ketchup baggie. (or would mayonnaise be better?)
21) Small animal muzzle.
22) Put them on your fingers & play proctologist.
23) Put them on your toes to make swimfins.
24) Draw eyeballs on them and make funny glasses.
25) Automatic door closing devices.
26) Have 'water' balloon fights.
27) Glue a bunch together and use to replace silicon breast implants.
28) Freeze them for an all-natural popsicle.
29) Glue several together and sell as a "Stretch Man" toy.
30) Use for a Xmas stocking stuffings for those that screwed you.
31) Ear/nose plugs.
32) Use 365 of them to make into a tire, and call it a "Good Year".
33) Replace those old "Dr. Scholls" shoe cushions.
34) Feed them to your pet iguana, Clyde.
35) Paint scales on them & put them in a fishtank.
36) "I challenge you to a duel!"
37) Drain plugs.
38) Put them in with your tax return.
39) Go see "Saturday Night Fever" and throw them at the screen.
40) Punching bags.
41) Hang them on the blades of a ceiling fan.
42) Send 69 of them to your ex-girlfriend.
43) Novelty key rings.
44) Hang them all around your windshield and be a chicano.
45) Spell "Happy Birthday" on a cake.
46) Break out your paints and make wax fruit.
47) Glue them on your nipples and try to swing them in opposite directions.
48) Make a patch work "water" bed.
49) Put your money in one. Nobody will steal it!
50) Stick one on the bridge of your nose and run around saying "Gobble Gobble".
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Tina pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood, and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking, she takes the dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant. "Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?"
"May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?"
"Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!"
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As a student driver in New York City, I was taking the road test for my driver's license. When someone cut me off, I held my temper so I wouldn't look out of control. "You have a lot to learn," said the inspector.
At a red light, the car behind tapped my bumper. I remained calm while the inspector shook his head. When the light turned, I accelerated, but the car behind sped up and cut me off. That did it! I hit the horn as hard as I could.
The inspector turned to me, smiled and said, "Now you're getting the hang of it."
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A fella was saying to his friend, "My wife seems to have developed some sort of fixation that her collection of fur coats will be stolen. When I came home early one day last week, I found she'd hired someone to *guard* them!
In fact, she stationed the poor guy right inside the closet!"
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Our kindergarten class went to the fire station for a tour and some instruction in fire safety. The fireman was explaining what to do in case of a fire. He said, "First, go to the door and feel the door to see if it's hot." Then he said, "Fall to your knees. Does anyone know why you ought to fall to your knees?"
One of the little tykes said, "Sure, to start praying to ask God to get us out of this mess!
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A black woman entered a store's appliance department and said that she wanted to return a defective toaster.
The white saleswoman asked what was wrong with it.
"When the toast pops up," replied the customer, "one comes out looking like you, and the other comes out looking like me."
She got another toaster.
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The rude redhead was on a blind date set up by a friend. She was disgusted by him - he had bad teeth, and was fairly dirty.
"Wow," he said, "when I was told that you were fiery, I didn't realize they meant you were a redhead."
"Wow," she replied tartly, "I didn't realize that when they said you were under six feet, they meant that's where they dug you up from."
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Two elderly spinsters bought a farm and went to see the farmer about stocking it with chickens.
Timidly they said they wanted 500 hens and 500 roosters.
The amazed farmer explained that 50 roosters would be sufficient for 500 hens.
Embarrassed and blushing modestly, the elder spinster spoke up determinedly and said, "No, we want 500 hens and 500 roosters. We know what it means to be lonesome!"
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One night a guy got really polluted. In the morning, he rolled over and sleeping peacefully beside him was the ugliest girl he'd ever seen.
Very quietly, he slipped his arm out from under her, got up, and dressed as fast as he could. He put a twenty-dollar bill on the bureau and started to tip-toe out.
Just then he felt a tug on his pant leg. Looking down, he saw a girl just as ugly as the one in the bed.
She looked up at him, smiled a toothless smile, and asked, "What? Nothing for the bridesmaid?"
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Who are the five most constipated men in the Old Testament?
1) Cain wasn't Abel.
2) Moses went up onto the mountain and took two tablets.
3) King David sat on the throne for forty years.
4) Solomon - neither heaven nor Earth could move him.
5) Noah was at sea for forty days and forty nights and all he passed was water. Now your problems don't seem so bad do they?
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My friend Tim took Mary out for a romantic dinner where conversation turned toward marriage. Tim had been saving for an engagement ring -- but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a computer. Mary was understanding, telling Tim they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a computer instead.
During dessert, Tim suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring. Mary was stunned. But after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted, "Well, don't you have something to ask me?"
Tim then got down on bended knee. "Honey," he said, "will you buy me a computer?"
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Robert, age eight, was the son of strict Presbyterian parents. He was very, very good, worked hard at school, did his chores, and was generally helpful and obedient. But one morning, for some reason, he came down to breakfast in a very nasty mood. When his mother served him prunes, he snarled, "I don't want prunes," and he refused to eat them.
His parents were aghast, and his father said, "Robert, you know that God commanded children to honor and obey their parents, and He will punish those who do not." But Robert still refused and was angrily sent back to bed, and the prunes were put in the refrigerator.
A few minutes later, a terrible thunderstorm came up with great roars and flashes of lightning. "Ah, wonderful," said Robert's mother,"this will teach him a lesson."
Robert came back down the stairs, went into the kitchen and opened the fridge. From there, just after another flash and roar, the boy's voice was heard saying, "Heck of a fuss to make about a few stupid prunes."
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The police caught a guy trying to cash a phony check and took him down to the station. While the officers were distracted, the crook grabbed the check off the desk and swallowed it.
No problem: the police waited five or six hours and then charged the guy with passing a bad check twice.
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A man walked out of his house and looked on his front porch and saw a snail. He kicked the snail as hard as he could, out of sight. Five years later there is a knock on the man's door, he answers it and looks down and there is that same snail who says "What the hell did you do that for??"
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A minister was called to a local nursing home to perform a wedding. An anxious old man met him at the door. The pastor sat down to counsel the old man and asked several questions. "Do you love her?"
The old man replied, "I guess."
"Is she a good Christian woman?"
"I don't know for sure," the old man answered.
"Does she have lots of money?" asked the pastor.
"I doubt it."
"Then why are you marrying her?" the preacher asked.
"She can drive at night," the old man said.
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There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone," so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone to not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day, a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant serious business. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he screwed her all day, screwed her all night, screwed her all the next day, screwed her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!!! What is the moral of this story??? You can't kill two birds with one stone!
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posted by plainsay @ 10:52 PM
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