A blond walked up to an airport ticket counter and asked to buy a round trip ticket.

"Where to?" Asked the smiling ticket agent.

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Duuuuuh, back here!"

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DEATH BED

A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25 year old fashion model. (Does this sound like the beginning of an Anna Nicole Smith joke??) They had a wonderful honeymoon in Aruba but, unfortunately, the old boy suffered a coronary and was hospitalised. When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, "Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me. You will have an income of $250,000 a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in Texas, my Mercedes. You'll never need to worry about money."

"Oh, sweetheart, please don't talk that way," his young wife exclaimed. "You've been so good to me already. If you go, I'll be devastated. Oh, there must be something I can do to help you. Please....tell me what I can do?"

"Well," the old man gasped, "you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen supply for starters."

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

HEAVEN OR HELL

While walking down the street one day a female politician, a head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the lady.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the head of state.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before she realises it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St.Peter is waiting for her.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven."

So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realises it, the 24 hours have gone, by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

She reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.

The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the head of state. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at her, smiles and says,

"Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I'm sorry, Mr. Kipling, but you just don't know how to use the English language." --The editor of the San Francisco Examiner, rejecting a 1889 article by Rudyard Kipling.

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RELIGIOUS SYMBOLS

While teaching children about world religions, a teacher asked her students to bring a symbol of their family's faith to class. The next day, she asked each student to come forward and share the symbol with the class.

The 1st child said, "I'm Muslim, and this is my prayer rug."

The 2nd child said, "I'm Jewish, and this is my family's menorah."

The 3rd child said, "I'm Roman Catholic, and this is my Mom's rosary."

The 4th child said, "I'm Greek Orthodox, and this is an icon of my patron saint."

The 5th child said, "I'm Southern Baptist, and this is my casserole dish."

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TEACHER JOKES

TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have 10 years ago.

WILLY: Me!

SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?

STUDENT: No, I'm Billy Anderson.

TEACHER: Alfred, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?

STUDENT: I get up early.

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.

STUDENT: Here it is!

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: George!



TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?

STUDENT: Yes, Sir.

TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?

STUDENT: Yes Sir, but since I broke my promise, I don't expect you to keep yours.

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?

STUDENT: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

HAROLD: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?

TEACHER: Of course not.

HAROLD: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

TEACHER: Why are you late?

WEBSTER: Because of the sign.

TEACHER: What sign?

STUDENT: The one that says, "School Ahead, Slow Children crossing."

TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.

JOHN: I hope you didn't either.

GARY: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.

TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

MOTHER: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?

JUNIOR: Because of absence.

MOTHER: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?

JUNIOR: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

SYLVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?

FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?

SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.

FATHER: What's that?

TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.

SAMMY: You can't fool me, teacher....snakes don't have feet!

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".

ELLEN: I is....

TEACHER: No, Ellen, Always say "I am."

ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet".

TEACHER: Max, use "defeat", "defense", and "detail" in a sentence.

MAX: The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over defense before detail.

MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?

JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.

TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get?

SASHA: A new bike.

TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?

VINCENT: One dollar.

TEACHER: (sadly) You don't know your arithmetic.

VINCENT: (sadly) You don't know my father.

TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?

CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!

BOY: Isn't the principal a dummy!

GIRL: Say, do you know who I am?

BOY: No.

GIRL: I'm the principal's daughter.

BOY: And do you know who I am?

GIRL: No.

BOY: Thank Goodness!
----------------------------------------------------
* FRUIT THIEF ATTACKS

A raging German fruit thief has battered a shop worker with bananas after he was caught swiping a bunch, police in Duesseldorf say.

Attempting to flee, the man first kicked and punched the 38-year-old assistant before using the fruit as a weapon.

* FAMILY AFFAIR

An entire British family of four have been arrested in holiday in Greece, accused of attacking a shop owner and flashing at police.

* BAN ON BOOZY BINGO

A law in Kern County, California, makes it an offence for anyone who is drunk to take part in Bingo sessions.

* CRAB ATTACKS

American coastguards say 123 men were rushed to hospital over the last 12 months, after taking a swim at the beach, and finding a crab had locked on to their privates.

* GUARD DOG TOO GOOD

A Russian man has paid the ultimate price for training his guard dog too well when the snarling animal held off paramedics long enough for him to die of heart failure.
-------------------------------------------------
Cold Chili

A man enters a cafe and sits down. He notices that the special of
the day is cold chili. When the waitress comes to take his order,
he says, "I'll take the cold chili."

"I'm sorry, the gentleman next to you got the last bowl," says
the waitress.

"Oh, I'll just have coffee, then."

After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got
the last bowl of cold chili is finishing a rather large meal and
the chili bowl is still full.

He asks, "Are you going to eat that?"

The other man replies, "No."

"Would you sell it to me?"

"You can have it for free if you want it."

So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he
gets about half way through the bowl, he notices a dead mouse in
the bowl and pukes the chili back into the bowl.

The other man says sympathetically, "That's about as far as I
got, too."


----------------------------------------------------------------------
One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University
of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his
asked if he could paint Peter's portrait for a class
assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and
submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.

The art student approached the professor to ask why the
grade was so poor. The teacher told him that the proportions
in the painting were incorrect.

"The head is too big," the professor explained. "The
shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous."

The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the
professor. He took one look at my brother and said, "Okay,
A minus."


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory
prayer. "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a
rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are
but dust..."

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient
daughter (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned
over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl
voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

_____________________________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the
difference between right and wrong. "All right children,
let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get
into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his
money, what would I be?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile
he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

After many years of faithful duty with the US Forest Service,
their beloved fire prevention mascot was unceremoniously "re-
tired." Still in the prime of his life and bearing one of the
world's most recognizable faces, he quickly found work as a
spokesman for the world's leading exporter of diamonds.

He's now working as "Smokey DeBeers."

_____________________________________________________________
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and
three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb
for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After
several really horrible shots, their caddy asked,

"You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"

"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you
know?"

"Easy," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and
such clean language!"


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

A few years ago a refugee from Laos came to the US in one
of the resettlement influxes. He had been an announcer in
radio back in Laos, and he wanted to get into the same line
of work here. The first thing he did was join AFTRA
(American Federation of Television and Radio Announcers).
He tried to pursue a job, but of course, he had problems
with the English language, being a new resident. In order
to keep body and soul together while going to English
classes, he took up barbering. Soon, he became a very good
barber, giving haircuts, stylings, and shaves. He seemed
to be an artist with the straight razor. In fact, the shop
where he worked made him specialize in giving shaves.

Thus, he became known as an AFTRA shave Laotian.

_____________________________________________________________

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists'
canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two
widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"

Me: "Certainly, what width?"

Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

A crab and a lobster are secretly dating. Pretty soon, the
lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who then
forbids her to see the crab anymore.

"It'll never work, honey." he says to her. "Crabs walk side-
ways and we walk straight."

"Please," she begs her father. "Just meet him once. I know
you'll like him."

Her father finally relents and agrees to a one-time meeting,
and she runs off to share the good news with her crab sweetie.

The crab is so excited he decides to surprise his beloved's
family. He practices and practices until he can finally walk
straight!

On the BIG day, he walks the entire way to the lobster's
house as straight as he can.

Standing on the porch, and seeing the crab walking towards
him, the lobster dad yells to his daughter.....

"I knew it! Here comes that crab and he's drunk!"

_____________________________________________________________
10 Characteristics of The Company Car...

**- Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.

** - Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.

** - Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.

** - The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to
be checked.

** - It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light
flashing.

** - It needs cleaning less often than private cars.

** - The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend
loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material.

** - Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated
by turning up the radio.

** - It needs no security system and may be left anywhere,
unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.

** - It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques and
fishing expeditions on remote beaches.


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

No doubt about it, the new temp didn't have a clue about
computers. Since part of her job was directing calls to
our technical support department, I gave her simple
instructions: "When people call with computer problems,
always ask which operating system they're using--Windows,
Macintosh or UNIX."

Later, she handed a technician this phone message...
"Call immediately. Customer has problem with eunuchs."

_____________________________________________________________