One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University
of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his
asked if he could paint Peter's portrait for a class
assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and
submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.

The art student approached the professor to ask why the
grade was so poor. The teacher told him that the proportions
in the painting were incorrect.

"The head is too big," the professor explained. "The
shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous."

The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the
professor. He took one look at my brother and said, "Okay,
A minus."


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory
prayer. "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a
rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are
but dust..."

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient
daughter (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned
over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl
voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

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A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the
difference between right and wrong. "All right children,
let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get
into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his
money, what would I be?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile
he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

After many years of faithful duty with the US Forest Service,
their beloved fire prevention mascot was unceremoniously "re-
tired." Still in the prime of his life and bearing one of the
world's most recognizable faces, he quickly found work as a
spokesman for the world's leading exporter of diamonds.

He's now working as "Smokey DeBeers."

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Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and
three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb
for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After
several really horrible shots, their caddy asked,

"You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"

"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you
know?"

"Easy," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and
such clean language!"


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

A few years ago a refugee from Laos came to the US in one
of the resettlement influxes. He had been an announcer in
radio back in Laos, and he wanted to get into the same line
of work here. The first thing he did was join AFTRA
(American Federation of Television and Radio Announcers).
He tried to pursue a job, but of course, he had problems
with the English language, being a new resident. In order
to keep body and soul together while going to English
classes, he took up barbering. Soon, he became a very good
barber, giving haircuts, stylings, and shaves. He seemed
to be an artist with the straight razor. In fact, the shop
where he worked made him specialize in giving shaves.

Thus, he became known as an AFTRA shave Laotian.

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I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists'
canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two
widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"

Me: "Certainly, what width?"

Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

A crab and a lobster are secretly dating. Pretty soon, the
lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who then
forbids her to see the crab anymore.

"It'll never work, honey." he says to her. "Crabs walk side-
ways and we walk straight."

"Please," she begs her father. "Just meet him once. I know
you'll like him."

Her father finally relents and agrees to a one-time meeting,
and she runs off to share the good news with her crab sweetie.

The crab is so excited he decides to surprise his beloved's
family. He practices and practices until he can finally walk
straight!

On the BIG day, he walks the entire way to the lobster's
house as straight as he can.

Standing on the porch, and seeing the crab walking towards
him, the lobster dad yells to his daughter.....

"I knew it! Here comes that crab and he's drunk!"

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10 Characteristics of The Company Car...

**- Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.

** - Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.

** - Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.

** - The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to
be checked.

** - It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light
flashing.

** - It needs cleaning less often than private cars.

** - The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend
loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material.

** - Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated
by turning up the radio.

** - It needs no security system and may be left anywhere,
unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.

** - It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques and
fishing expeditions on remote beaches.


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

No doubt about it, the new temp didn't have a clue about
computers. Since part of her job was directing calls to
our technical support department, I gave her simple
instructions: "When people call with computer problems,
always ask which operating system they're using--Windows,
Macintosh or UNIX."

Later, she handed a technician this phone message...
"Call immediately. Customer has problem with eunuchs."

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