A Navy Officer was trying to make a phone call, but had no change, three Marines were approaching and the Officer asked one of them, "excuse me private do you have change for a dollar?" the private replied, "yes I do", the Navy officer said, "don't you mean no sir, now let's try this again" so the Navy Officer, asked again " private do you have change for a dollar?” The private replied, "no sir"
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You don't have to be at a desk but you must be
sitting.

While sitting at your desk make clockwise circles with
your right foot.

While doing this, draw the number " 6 " in the air
with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction.
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Lying on his deathbed, the wealthy Mr. Sams was instructing his attorney on last-minute changes in his will.
“I wish to leave everything I own, all stocks, bonds property, art, and money, to my wife. However, there is one stipulation.”
“And that is?”
“In order to inherit, she must marry within six months of my death.”
The lawyer seemed puzzled. “Why make such an unusual request?”
Mr. Sams answered, “Because I want someone to be sorry I died.”
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A man goes to his doctor and says " Hi doc, remember me "?
' No, but what can I do for you? "
"You know doc, I came to you two years ago. You said I had pneumonia, gave me some medicine and advised me to not to have a bath "
" So? "
" Well I'm fine now, thanks. I just wanted to know, can I have a bath now?"
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For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
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The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."
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Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"
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A young woman greeted the census taker. “Good morning,” said the caller,
“I’m taking the census and I’d like to ask you a few questions.
Occupation?”
“Homemaker,” replied the woman.
“Husband’s occupation?”
“Manufacturer.”
“Children?”
“No,” said the woman. “Dresses.”
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It was a stormy night. A guy was driving in some mountains and his car broke down. He stopped it by a tree and walked down the highway looking for help. A headlight started to approach him from behind. He turned back and noticed a car coming forth very slowly. He walked up to it, opened the door, and sat on the passenger's seat. Then he suddenly notices that there was no driver, but the car was moving!
Before the guy could decide what to do, a sharp turn appeared a few meters before the car and it seemed that the car was going to go off the cliff. The guy trembled in fright, but a pale hand came in from the open window and turned the steering wheel! When the car finished turning around the curve, the hand withdrew. Every time there was a turn, the same hand would come in and guide the wheels of the car to safety.
The guy could not believe all this. As soon as he saw the lights of some rest stop by the road he jumped off the car and ran into a bar, pale, wet, trembling, and telling everybody that he had a most creepy, supernatural experience.
Then two young men dripping in mud came into the bar. One saw the guy and said, "Hey, that's the stupid fellow that got in our car while were pushing."
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Genre: Computer Jokes

Customer Service Rep: Can you install LOVE?

Customer: I can do that. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first?

Customer Service Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma'am?

Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

Customer Service Rep: What programs are running ma'am?

Customer: Let me see.... I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

Customer Service Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Customer Service Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?

Customer Service Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?

Customer Service Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTS in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do?

Customer Service Rep: What does the message say?

Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS". What does that mean?

Customer Service Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE” others.

Customer: So what should I do?

Customer Service Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?

Customer: Yes, I have it.

Customer Service Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.

Customer: Thank you.

Customer Service Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!

Customer Service Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go...

Customer: Yes?

Customer Service Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you.

Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.
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A little girl walked proudly into a dry goods store to buy material for a dress for her doll.
When she came to the cash register she asked, “What does this cost?"
"For a sweet little girl like you," replied the man (feeling generous)"I'll charge only one little kiss."
"Thanks" replied the tot. "Grandma said whatever it is, to charge it and she'll be by tomorrow to pay for it."
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If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it
would be worth $49 today. If you bought $1000 worth of Miller
beer one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans
for the nickel deposit, you would have $79 today.

My advice to you is to start drinking...

***

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost
to get married?"

The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for
it."

***

The other night, my wife and I were going out for dinner.

She put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes,
mascara, toner, blush and lipstick, then turned to me and
said, "Does this look natural?"


------------------------------------------------------------
A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time
playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy to
focus more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to
his son, "When Lincoln was your age, he was studying books
by the light of the fireplace."

The son replied, "But Dad, when Lincoln was your age, he was
President of The United States!"


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

One caller to our answering service gave me his name, number
and message and then said, "You know my name. What's yours?"

"We're not allowed to give our names," I replied, "but my
operator number is 4136"

Sounding disappointed, he said, "May I call you by your first
digit, or would that be too personal?"

_____________________________________________________________
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then, she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

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HOT MAMA

A doctor gave a 92-year old man a physical exam. A few days later the doctor noticed the man walking down the street with his arm around a gorgeous young woman and he was grinning from ear to ear.

The next time he encountered the man, the doctor said, "You are really doing great, aren't you?"

"Just doing what you said, Doc," the man agreed. "You said, 'Get a hot mama and be cheerful!'"

"I didn't say that," replied the doctor. "I said, you got a heart murmur, and be careful."

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COMPUTER ONE LINERS

DIVORCE.BAT found....deleting C:\MARRIAGE\SPOUSE

Hard Disk space: the final frontier!

Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?

H lp! S m b d st l ll th v w ls fr m m k yb rd!

COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer.

Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

Hold a hard drive to your ear -- listen to the C:

I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.

I am logged in, therefore I am.

I are Pentium of Borg. Division is futile. You will be approximated.

I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.

I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem.

I know I'm supposed to back up my files, but I still haven't found reverse on my PC.

I was going to switch her to DOS, but she had a gun

I'll give up my Windows 3.1 when they pry my cold, dead fingers off the mouse.

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0

If you read in the bathroom, is that multitasking?

In my next life I'm going to have more memory installed

Intel - still number 0.999873464508.

ISDN: I Still Don't kNow

ISDN: Idiot Services you Don't Need

It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!

Jesus saves! The rest of us better make backups.

Klingon prompt: strike any user when ready.

Manual Writer's Creed: Garbage in, gospel out.

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

MicroSloth: "Bringing you ten-year-old technology, tomorrow, maybe."

MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed.

Multitasking - screwing up several things at once.

My computer NEVER cras@#%^TU*NO CARRIER

My Go this amn keyboar oesn't have any 's.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

Nerd: someone on the Dork Side of the Farce.

Network: anything reticulated or decussated at equal intervals, with interstices between the intersections.

Never trust a computer you can't lift. - Stan Masor

Never trust a computer you can't throw out the window. - S. Hunt

Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect.

Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources.

One person's error is another person's data.

One picture is worth 128K.

Our system is very reliable. Nothing ever goes wr[}\-_+=~'{?>.(#$%{!''?;f;fkj;uiutoiun;gt;to;g;g;t

PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.

Programming is an art form that fights back.

RAM disk is not an installation procedure.

Real programs don't eat cache.

Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?

Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.

Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...

Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!

Smith & Wesson - The ultimate "Point-and-Click" Interface...

Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand progress.

Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

System going down at 5 pm to install scheduler bug.

System halted. Press Enter key to continue.

System has erased all work in progress. Press any key to ignore and continue.

System has violated data integrity. Delete all data? Y/y __

The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.

The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

The determined programmer can write a FORTRAN program in any language.

The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.

The name is Baud... James Baud.
--------------------------------------------------------
Cessna: "Newark tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."

Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the Newark airfield in sight?!?!!"

Cessna: "Uh, um...tower, I am parked on the south ramp. I just want to know where the fuel truck is."

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TOUGH QUESTION

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

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TEACHERS

On the 6th day, God created men & women. On the 7th day, he rested. Not so much to recuperate, but rather to prepare himself for the work he was going to do the next day. For it was on the 8th day that God created the teacher.

This teacher though, taken from among men and women had several significant modifications. In general, God made the teacher more durable than other men and women.

The teacher was made to arise at a very early hour and to go to bed no earlier than 11:30 PM. With no rest in between. The teacher had to be able to withstand being locked up in an air-tight room with 35 little monsters on a rainy Monday. And the teacher had to be fit to correct 103 term papers over Easter vacation.

Yes, God made the teacher tough - but gentle too. The teacher was equipped with soft hands to wipe away the tears of the neglected and lonely student... of the 16 year old girl who was not asked to the prom.

And into the teacher God poured a generous amount of patience. Patience when a student asks to repeat the directions the teacher has just repeated for someone else.

Patience when the kids forget their lunch money for the 4th day in a row. Patience when 1/3 of the class fails the test. Patience when the text books haven't arrived yet, and the semester starts tomorrow.

And God gave the teacher a heart slightly bigger than the average human heart. For the teacher's heart had to be big enough to love the kid who screams, "I hate this class-it's boring!" and to love the kid who runs out of the class at the end of the period without so much as a good bye or a thank you.

And lastly, God gave the teacher an abundant supply of hope. For God knew that the teacher would always be hoping. Hoping that the students would one day learn to spell... Hoping not to have lunchroom duty...hoping that Friday would come... hoping for a free day... hoping for deliverance.

When God finished creating the teacher, he stepped back and admired the work of his hands. And God saw that the teacher was good. Very Good. And God smiled, for when he looked at the teacher, he saw into the future. He knew that the future is in the hands of the teachers.

And because God loves teachers so much, on the 9th day God created

"SNOW DAYS"
---------------------------------------------------------